Another Angel to Watch Over Us

My friend's mom died this morning. 3rd and 4th degree burns to over 70% of her body. I remember that dark morning in Saudi Arabia when I came home with my baby brother Loik, and the doctors told me that my mother (whom was 8 months pregnant) had been in a horrible fire and was going to die. My father was in the hospital with 2nd degree burns and came home hysterical and afraid as he was the one to put the fire out. I was 12 years old and my life changed. Although I became very strong, I was extremely vulnerable. I grew up over night. Had to take care of my family, handle my regular responsibilities of going too school, deal with preteen hormonal issues, and I started dealing with alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. I felt guilty for what had happened to my mother. Without getting into details, I believe that if I was at home, it would have never happened.

When Vicky told me her Mom had just got burned several weeks ago, my initial reaction was to run away from all the feelings that it conjured up inside of me. I didn't realize how many emotions and feelings I literally stuffed deeply away. I was just a child and didn't really know how to deal with it. I remember turning born again Christian, and secretly chain smoking, and staying drunk and high. I got lucky, despite all odds, momma made it through. Although altered permanently from scars, I still had my momma. I remember resenting her for needing me so much and am still struggling with the guilt of not being happily helpful.

I spoke to Vicky almost every day when her mom first got burned. She sounded so strong and I was shocked to find that I had some jewels to share with her. 1) Don't listen to anything the doctor says. Don't give up. Just pray and talk and sing to your momma because even though she can't see, she can hear you - even if it's subconscious. She just called me and thanked me and my mom for being their and I sit here typing this letter with tears streaming down my face.  In a calm and steady voice, she told me her mom passed and even expressed her hopes for her coming around in 3 months, but she's gone. She wasn't even crying. God my sister is a pillar of strength.

My mom says that it was the best thing for her to die, despite what her family wanted. She says that from what she knows and has experienced, that her age and the severity of her burns were too much to bare. I'm just left humbled and grateful. As much as I get angry and annoyed with my mother, she's here with me loving me and guiding me. The story of my family has been TOUGH - to say the least, but we have a bond and strength that only comes when people go through extremely painful experiences.

I'm ashamed to talk to Vicky because I may have given her false hopes. I don't know what to say to someone who's just lost their mother and was looking at my situation as a reference point for perseverance. I must straighten up and just be there for her anyway I can. I wish I was as strong and confident as she is and am thankful that I have been forced to relive the darkest parts of my life.

RIP Mama Jeudy.

Sonia

MY PERSONAL ETHICAL CODE...

As you all know, I'm in a fight right now to be the best I can be. I've developed a personal ethical code (with the help of the DIAMOND CUTTER) to follow in my life. This is something I hope to pass down to my unborn children:

MY PERSONAL ETHICAL CODE

1) DO NOT LIE
2) BE HAPPILY HELPFUL
3) ALWAYS GIVE PEOPLE MORE THEN WHAT THEY NEED
4) DON'T THINK BAD THOUGHTS OF OTHERS
5) DO NOT SPEAK NEGATIVELY OF OTHERS
6) DO NOT STEAL - AT ALL!!! (NOT A GRAPE FROM THE KROGER OR 38 cents of change)
7) PAY ALL DEBTS (even the ones I think are whack)
8) ENCOURAGE BEAUTIFUL WORDS FROM LEAVING MY MOUTH (Quit Cursing)
9) PROTECT LIFE (Wish I could be vegetarian...gonna cut down...animals have feelings too)
10) LEARN AT LEAST 1 NEW THING EACH DAY
11) DON'T ABUSE DRUGS & ALCOHOL
12) PROTECT OTHER's PROPERTY

Many of you know that some of these things will be particularly challenging - especially cursing. I have a horrible potty mouth. And sometimes I wonder the significance of not cursing at all. What does it really hurt? - it's just another form of expression which is sometimes REALLY accurate. What's the difference of saying Fudge instead of Fuck? Or not saying either one and thinking it? Nothing - really. I've just noticed for the first time that people express utter shock when they hear me curse. It was like when I used to smoke and people would look at me and say they would have NEVER in a million years expected me to smoke. Now - as I'm getting older - I want to match that perception that people have of me with true actions. What does that say about somebody when they think you are incapable of smoking or using profanity. To me, it is a form of respect to be envisioned that way. I know I have a particular form of respect for people that appear to live "clean" lives. Well - I want to be a role model. I want to be revered. With that being said - you now know my moral code of living. Here is a poem I wrote this morning when I woke up and decided I'd stop cursing:

Dedicated to Corey A Thomas for inspiring me to do so:

SHIP, DARN, MOTHERFUDGER
by Sonia "Sypher" Tyler


FUCK - My favorite proclamation of despair
which can only feel better, when prefaced with Mother
SHIT - What better way to express disappointment
then thinking of excrement; nasty, but quite relevant
BITCH - A word that cuts with great precision
Makes the user feel empowered, and the receiver sadly deflowered
DAMN - When something is utterly disgusting
The opposite of Godly, but used the most involuntary

All of these words have a punch when you say them.
And is the second thing more demeaning then a face spat on with phlegm.
When angry, these feel like the best way to express distress
Until people start looking perturbed and perplexed
Not for nothing naughty words are always associated
with the low class and extreme unintelligence

Now I wonder what this world would be, if I did not use words of profanity

~ I would always know how to exactly articulate my thoughts around children and their parents
~ No more hushed conversations on the phone, cause I know most my words come out wrong
~ That look one gets when they're beautiful, won't be taken away once they hear my mouthful

I imagine a transformation into Queendom
where the new cool is to be regal
And it wouldn't matter what your religion
you could never mistaken my words for evil
I also suspect life would be more peaceful
having to think before I speak ill

SHIP, DARN, MOTHER-FUDGER! I got to stop using all these flippin curse words!

Introducing my alter ego BLOOD RAVEN

So I went on an audition today dressed as a "Latin Terror". I had on a slinky black dress with tons of leg and tatas showing and put this incredible long blue black wig on all topped off with a red rose and blood red lipstick. I was surprised at all the attention I got. Guys just couldn't stop staring and I was rather bewildered at the torrents of compliments thrown my way. I usually get a lot of love, but this was times 10! And now I know why girls are addicted to fake hair and short skirts. There's a power in gaining the attention of all those in your circumference. I found myself driving, wanting the other drivers to notice me in the car. Ridiculous. It was fun for the day - and I may let my alter ego out on a couple of nights to paint the town red -- Her Name Shall Be Blood Raven (after the movie I just auditioned for). Here is her story:


I need to be put in my place, FIRMLY
Subtlety won't do the job, I'M WILD
Patience will wear you out , JUST BEAT ME

I'll take a mile if you give me an inch
My experiences have made me a bitch
I'm come too far and I've seen too much
Your on bullshit, that's always my hunch
They say kill me with kindness and I'll eventually learn
I say fuck with my madness and you'll always get burned
I'm a cave woman, I gather and hunt
Take and eat all I encounter, then move into somebody else's hut
Damn right I'm vulnerable, but don't be fooled
A woman's tears are sometimes her greatest tool
If you see me tremble, understand comfort won't work
You better back up, I'm a volcano ready to burst

JUST BEAT ME, put me in my place
I'M WILD, don't be fooled by this pretty face
FIRMLY, a straight jacket is all I should embrace

Do any of you know anybody like this?  Hope you enjoyed the poem!

I will post my Personal Ethical Code tomorrow.

Smooches! Sonia "Sypher" Tyler

Oral Fixation

I have an oral fixation.
I just LOVE the swallowing sensation.
Different textures in my mouth, is what life should be about.
Something gushy in my cheek or tart on the tip of my tongue.
Makes me feel all warm inside, makes me sing little songs.
The mere thought and I salivate.
I drool daydreaming of thick icing cake.
Mexican, Jamaican, Indian, and African,
Mix all the spices up and I'll take 'em!
A chick like me don't discriminate.
Just pile the food up high on my plate!!!


LMAO! Why did I write that as soon as I woke up? Lol! I'm so greedy!!!! I'm at 143lbs today though - YUPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'm gonna be sooooo SEXY and healthy! Watch!

Today I go to meditation class with my dear friend Jlyn! Although I'm excited, I'm more so excited for her. She's not only going to love the class, but it's going to change her life and I want to see the transformation. Plus, I've been slacking - from meditating EVERY day to not at all this week - I need to get my mind back. It takes discipline to stay focused with your objectives - and mine are not small ones! With that being said, meditation today - and back to yoga tomorrow!

Tonight, after the Thrashers game, I'm going to the Geisha House to support Amber's event there with the WTF family. Matter of fact - this poem I wrote today is dedicated to her...The Mouth of the South. LOL!
I WILL NOT drink or smoke there tonight! I WILL NOT! Plus - I still have around 20 more pounds to go - can't do that with yeast and suger floating around my tummy. LOL.

With that being said - I will share my personal ethical code with you later.

Smooches - wish me luck today with not only my personal objectives, but the 4 business clients I have to handle today. Egypt, Lovoi, Dahlia, & Corey - I'm a beast - I'ma get it done. Don't worry!!!

Fell off the Wagon

I'm so ashamed. I got TWISTED twice this week! Not only was that unsafe (I was driving), but I probably took in 5000 calories. I'm so shook, I didn't even look at the scale until today. Oh - and I also ended up smoking a good deal too. (BOOOOOOOO)

The truth is, I had MAD fun though. I went to Roosters and was flabbergasted with all the love I received. This guy (JP - new producer in town from South Carolina) came up to me and was like, "Who are you? You're getting more shout outs then Warren G and Big Boi." As corny as that sounds, it made me feel really good. I've been out of the clubs for so long that I felt forgotten, but I guess some relationships stick. Henry Welch (the most feared man in comedy) was on the mic wyling out and showing love. I also hit up Pin Ups and Mist and Shooter Alley. I forgot how I used to get it in!!! My goal is to NOT drink ANYTHING tomorrow night at the Geisha House with Amber Swallows and those crazy fools! She did say that she will be teaching me how to bootie shake tommorrow (a feat the most skilled dancers haven't been able to accomplish)!

Anyway - I'm at a respectable 145lbs right now. My goal is to be at 140 by the end of next week...I might be there now if I actually didn't drink and did more then two days on the P90x. I'm back on it tomorrow morning, I promise...As for my spiritual stuff - I'm doing well. I will share my personal ethical code with you tomorrow.

Until then - I want to share this with you -- I'm in LOVE! (Ain't that something) -- BLUSH!!!

30 Things to do Before I'm 30

I've been ashamed of certain yearnings that I've had and made excuses for not wanting them. I either acted like I was too good to do something (like take eye candy pictures) or too humble to want something (get nominated for something). When I really analyze myself, there are a bunch of things that I want or want to do that will make me feel pretty cool. It doesn't matter to me why or what it may represent to somebody else. If I want to pose nude before I lose my youth so I can remember my body, so what? Who cares what my mother or some critic may think. I don't want to live with too many regrets that were avoidable. It may be pretentious to want 5,000 twitter friends, but the truth is, I feel cool that I maxed out my Facebook page and have 30,000 Myspace friends. Why am I pretending? In the same token, fear and laziness have stopped me from claiming other curiosities. I can't dance, so I don't want to look stupid taking salsa classes. it's not even about that - it's about learning something new and having fun and not hiding behind fear. I might always suck at it, but I bet I'll feel great in my high heels with a sexy flowing dress twirling around a little bit with somebody, so why not go for it?

With that being said, here is a list I posted on Facebook 2 months ago of 30 Things to do Before I'm 30. I will be 30 February 1st, and am proud to have done ONE thing on this list (#20 - start my blog). Yupee! With that being said, I need all of your support, so please help me achieve these goals any way you can! I'm going into my 30s a Queen, chin up, shoulders back, long strides.

1. Get a six pack
2. Invest in some stock
3. Get nominated for something
4. Mentor somebody
5. Get My Bio Done
6. Learn to ride a motorcycle
7. Spend a weekend on a yacht
8. Get 5,000 twitter friends
9. Help make somebody famous
10. Go see a pro football game
11. Pose for a national eye candy magazine
12. Live COMPLETELY alone
13. Learn to make sushi
14. Record a rap song (or a verse on one) LMAO
15. Join the mile high club
16. Forgive someone I HATE
17. Take nude pictures
18. Get a Brazilian (ouch!)
19. Share my poetry publicly at a spoken word venue
20. Start my blog
21. Take salsa classes
22. Go skydiving
23. Find a script to direct a full length movie
24. Make somebody $100,000.
25. Go white water rafting
26. Go to a 25 and over party
27. Get mentioned in a National Publication
28. Start writing my memoirs
29. Sing Karaoke by myself (never done that)
30. Finish 10 MYB Production Skits

"I got my feet on the ground, I don't go to sleep to dream." Help me get it!
PS: I'm 146lbs!!! :) Lost 6lbs in 4 days!!! :) I actually did P90X last night b4 I went to bed...probably NOT happening tonight. :(

The only thing that remains constant is change. This is one of the oldest adages that we seem to forget when we make decisions. I don't know how often I hear people say they are cleaning house and want to cut people off. It's funny because I always thought I was a forgiving person and didn't hold grudges, but this year, I reacquainted with several people that I had written off for life. Some of them I purposely reached out to in an attempt to heal and face old wounds. Others came to me and I know it's cause I called them subconsciously, deeply wanting closure. Honestly it doesn't even matter who was right or wrong - time heals old wounds and people are allowed to change. I only have two more people I need to gain closure from - one of them a former best friend who cheated on me with my boyfriend, the other someone that threatened the life of my family. Some say this is a can of worms that should stay closed. I believe that your worst enemies should be treated like your best friends - that is something a very wise man told me and although I haven't mastered it yet - it has taught me great patience and wisdom.

And just when I thought I would never cut any body off again - I have cut somebody off today. Ironic, huh? I don't know for how long, but it is an unhealthy relationship. I'm just happy that I'm doing it at a time when I'm not angry, I just see the bigger picture and need to protect my business. I've been working with this person for a year, but it has been stagnant. I could point the finger, but I truly believe we create our own realities so it's my fault. I've known this for quite some time and have been trying to rectify it. In a way, it was a test to see if I could actually change somebody and their circumstances through love and understanding, but now, I just realize that if I keep doing the same things with no change - I'm just insane. I'm wondering what your thoughts are of this? Here's a poem I wrote this morning about this:

I tried everything to stick by you

but my colors couldn't break your blue

My attempts to fix things you screwed

So now my compassion for you I outgrew.

A full year of dealing with you has passed

Can't help but feel guilt for failing your ass

Am I wrong for running away

Even though you never protected me?

Money I lent, you never gave back

All your words always felt like attacks

I knew you were weak so I just let it slide

But to my unwavering love, you were desensitized

At the end of the day, I must call a spade a spade

You used my honey and that cuts like a blade

I chose to stick by you so I charge it to the game

I'm moving on knowing there's no one to blame

You've proved to be exactly what you've always been

My hopes for you were not your dreams

I'm trying to come to terms for bailing out

I ride or die for people, that's what I'm about

But the truth is, you've never been a friend

All you brought to me was problem after problem

Your talents are like the songs of the sirens

They hoodwink people into temporary blindness

But as soon as the melody dissipates

you realize that it was just bait

I'm tired of taking bites that don't satisfy

if I keep on this path, then I'm a walking lie

It's time for me to own up to the truth

the fact is - I don't really like you

I tried and tried and tried again

But this time I'm out homie - disappearing like David Blain

As for my goals...

1) Practicing the laws of The Diamond Cutter

I was generous with my time and resources half of my day (didn't work on a database for a friend that I promised to complete or help my ma with her dresser although I could have spent less time on FaceBook)

Didn't engage in talk that splits people up (but mentally was PISSED off with several things - A person that made a very insensitive comment on FB and I judged someone for supporting something I didn't agree with).

2) Exercising, eating well, and meditating daily - COMPLETELY stop smoking and drinking

149lbs Didn't smoke or drink. Didn't exercise (Day 2 of P90X! I will try and do it before I go to bed. It's funny how your mind can play tricks on you. My friend Ookie said that Plyometrics was going to kick my ass, so I've been scared since day 1 kicked my ass and he said it was easy. Gotta do it anyway! Eating well? Let's just say I followed one third of my diet but cheated with some "Sticky Boobas" (corn tortillas with melted cheese on top) CHEESE MESSES ME UP EVERY TIME. And as for the meditating - I'll get that in tonight after I work out too.

3) To stop saying NO to opportunities due to FEAR and/or LAZINESS.

I did something I've been afraid of for quite some time, and that was making an important decision on the direction of my career with my manager.

I better get to working out before I say it's too late! My bed time is 3am! Gotta get up early to take my baby brother to Home Depot on Sydney Marcus to make a butterfly house. 3pm meet me at Freedom Parkway for a huge PILLOW FIGHT!

Special Shout

To my dear friend and wonderfully talented photographer for taking my Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil photo (blog header picture) and just being a great all around person:

Jarek James of Jamagination. Make sure to check out his work and join his social networks: myspace.com/jamagination, facebook.com/jarekjames, twitter.com/jamagine, youtube.com/jamagination, modelmayhem.com/jarekjames