Flexibility

Flexibility. 1.Willing or disposed to yield. 2. Susceptible of modification or change; adaptable.

I've always thought I was flexible. As someone who's traveled the world and been fortunate enough to do so many cool things, I thought I had the ability to adapt to different circumstances. What I've just discovered is although I may be able to adapt to different circumstances, my brain is very rigid when it comes to personal development.

If I set goals for myself, I'm really hard on myself and the slightest change of circumstance will have me thrown off course. For example, let's say I need to be in bed by 9pm so I can wake up at 4am to do my exercise, meditation, morning writing, Tundruk, eat well and get dressed by the time 9am comes around. If something comes up (like last night having to take the lovely Dahlia von Danger to jail at 10pm), it literally mind rapes me into feeling like I can't do all of the things I planned. I will end up making excuses and have to start all over on a Monday. And yes...I always have to start any plans on a Monday or it doesn't feel right.

That's stupid, right? My goal is to be more flexible. I don't need to beat my self up cause I woke up at 7am instead of 4am. If I don't get my exercise in before 9pm, I can still do it later, or just skip a day. The world will not end, and I don't have to wait till the top of the week to start on my goals. I need to be able to go with the current and breeze through life with no problems. Life always throws curve balls. Expect the unexpected and adapt. Don't be sturdy in your ways.


So DAHLIA von DANGER, a model/feature dancer I represent had to turn herself into the police last night. It was bananas. The lucky little devil ended up getting out on a signature bond and it just reminded me of the first time I went to jail at 19 years old. I actually pulled out some jail house poetry and writings to share with y'all when I was in the hole...
                                   
                                 She quietly schemes
                                 Eyes pulled tight into slits
                                 Lip curled slightly to one corner
                                 Her smirk speaking volumes
                                 If anyone would listen
                                 She roars violently
                                 Under her demure shell
                                 Ready to bite
                                 She takes her time eating
                                 She's waiting for the vultures
                                 To Swoop again
                                 She's seething
                                 Each disrespectful action makes her stronger
                                 She's almost at invisible
                                 They used to be able to see her every move
                                 But the tables have turned
                                 She's been paying attention
                                 While they were seeking attention
                                 She now knows
                                 And will use it to her advantage
                                 Making each one snivel and regret
                                 Swoop
                                 They took her milk
                                 Swoop Swoop
                                 There goes her bread
                                 She knows time by counting her steadheart beat
                                 The bell will sound in 5 minutes
                                 Her heartbeat quickens
                                 She loses time
                                 All is lost
                                 She'll time it right next time.


.....Don't ask. Jail had me tripping! I had two pieces of paper and a pencil I would sharpen with my teeth, no lie. When there was no room left on the papers, I thought I would die! I was only allowed out of my cell for an hour a day and wasn't allowed to read or anything. HELL on EARTH! Never again...(or should I be flexible). I don't know...everyone ain't Mandela!
                                

A note to my father on Father's Day

Hey Daddy,

I want you to know that I love you dearly and feel so blessed that I have you in my life. I know it may appear as though I take you for granted sometimes when I don't do as you ask immediately despite the unwavering love that you have for me. Please know that I don't, and all I want in this lifetime is to make you proud and hope to someday relieve the burden of having to take care of all of us. You've equipped me with so many jewels in my life, and I am sincerely beyond grateful. Although I may not be making much money (yet) and sometimes cause needless problems (the car accident), please know that your love and dedication to raising me has not gone in vain. I look around and feel so lucky that I have a father whose stuck by me at my lowest moments. I'm so ashamed that I haven't amounted to more, but I'm working HARD at it and know that one day you'll see the fruition of your labor manifested. If this world were filled with men like you,  there would be nothing but peace, love, and intelligence abounding. I am so pleased and proud that you are my father. You've always lived with a high ethical code which makes you one of the greatest role models in my life (momma too). I love you so much and think you are just one of the greatest human beings I've ever encountered. Thank you for choosing a wonderful wife to help raise us daddy. Hope you had a good day and didn't feel forgotten or neglected being so far away. I truly love you.


Your babykins,


Sonia

Your Wisdom

The answers lay within.
Soft currents of truth, gentle yet powerful.
An innate knowledge - ignored and we block the source.
Its infinite solidity punctured, made to waver needlessly.
Like a wound, it heals with attention.
Scabs turning to scars that hopefully disappear.
The memory of it's existence - your wisdom
to do with it as you please.
Hopefully compassion makes you a teacher, helping others learn from your experience.
Others are negligent and don't analyze the truth; therefore not allowing their wounds to heal.
They don't acknowledge the gentle and powerful currents.
Flesh marked profusely with unending scars.
We are nothing without our spirit.
Listen to it closely. With respect.
The tools lay within.
Jewels in need of a good cleansing.
Repetitive prodding makes them shine through.
The answers presenting themselves with undeniable clarity.
The source no longer clouded and hard to see.

Walk In Your Authority

I got into a terrible car crash last Saturday leaving Cristal the Great's Birthday Pool Celebration. I crashed right into a parked car as I was adjusting the GPS system. Thankfully I left with minimal damage to my body and didn't physically hurt anybody. Unfortunately the owner of the vehicle I hit had an outstanding warrant and went to jail, and my car may be totaled. Horrible since the last car note was literally JUST PAID a week prior. 

The past week has been tough. I've found myself crying a lot and questioning my path in life. The stupid decisions I've made that have not only slowed me down, but affected the people around me. The accident with my car was pure negligence. So many people rely on me and I just SCREWED up horribly. To add fuel to the fire, my family, boyfriend, and friends have been so supportive and kind to me - making me feel blessed, but terribly guilty.

So, yesterday I went to church. Although I don't proclaim to be a Christian, I go to not only support my mother, but also to gain a better understanding of my boyfriend's religion. This particular sermon spoke mountains to me. Judge Melvin Johnson gave testimonials and spoke of the story of Lazarus. In his testimony, he spoke about how God was responsible for making him Chief Judge at the age of 35 and told his incredible story. My eyes couldn't stop watering at the incredible power of God and his inspiring story of faith. What ended up truly hitting home though, was what he got out of the story of Lazarus. It being father's day, he chose this story to inspire men to be visionaries, compassionate, and to walk in their authority. Naturally, it spoke to all men and women. He said that as a visionary, God speaks to us and we must stay firm in our understanding and decisions. When Jesus took 4 days to raise Lazarus from the dead, he had all types of peer pressure and gossipers questioning and doubting him, but he remained steadfast in what he knew he must do. Secondly, when Jesus finally arrived at the house of Lazarus, his sisters (Mary & Martha) were naturally upset with him and people were crying and the gossipers were talking mess about him. Instead of getting upset or saying I told you so, he showed compassion and "Jesus wept", not for Lazarus, because he knew he'd lift him from the dead, but because of everyone else. Naturally, when one stops crying, they must fix the situation instead of dwelling in the sorrow and misery. So Jesus lifted Lazarus from the dead and Walked in His Authority.

This sermon truly hit home for me and is something that I know I will remember for eternity. As a visionary, I knew I wasn't supposed to go to Cristal's party. Honestly, I didn't want to miss out on all the fun and also didn't want her and her brother to think I was a flake since I haven't shown up to anything. I went, and then crashed the car. Of course, many people were PISSED off; my mother was PISSED off since she also relies on the car, Cristal was disgusted cause I caused trouble at her otherwise successful and fun party, and my boyfriend was annoyed for not being safer with my life. Many times I also was pissed because I didn't want to be judged and was tired of hearing people's mouths, but I must show compassion. I messed up and must feel where they're coming from...even if it feels obsessive. I shouldn't expect people to instantly be okay from a simple sorry. Lastly, although this is a major bump in the road, I must walk in my authority. Make sure all parties feel reassured that I will do better next time. Apologize to the right people. Handle the situation of the car. Know that God will forgive me and get on my knees and pray. Be an example. And that is what I've learned and will carry with me forever. REMEMBER LAZARUS.

I'm BAAAACK!

I lot has happened since my first blog. Things didn't quite happen the way they were supposed to. I'm back at 150lbs (goal is to have a 6 pack by the time I'm 30 in 9 months), I haven't been meditating, doing my morning pages, nor my 6X book every day. I've also only done 2 things on my 30 things to do before I'm 30 list. The truth is, I've just been exhausted. I'm not even going to beat myself up about it, because despite falling off the wagon a few times - I've done some incredible things and just needed to ease into this new way of life.

1) My radio show is officially at over 20,000 hits a show (started at 47 four months ago). Check us out at www.wtfonlineradio.com
2) Have a new office downtown.
3) Lovoi Sustainable Villages has officially gained support from the government for some BIG projects. I'm officially working on new fundraisers, so hit me up with any questions.
4) I've also decided to manage myself, which is a BIG deal. I've been searching for somebody to take that role, but it hasn't been successful. At first it hurt me pretty bad, cause it feels like maybe somebody doesn't feel like i'm worth it, but got over that insanity and decided to take matters in my own hands.
5) I'm in the midst of doing 2 mixtapes (FINALLY).
6) This weekend I'm in Mississippi for a photoshoot.

With that being said - I'm BAAAAACK! Focused and ready! I've been charging up ready to take over the world! Watch me do me!!!

Smooches! Wish me luck! I'm bout to go run right now after I meditate.

Sypher

Seeing Through Different Eyes

My sight is no longer rigid. I see in translucent layers of color. Each situation can cast a different result depending on how the light hits. Anticipation still sneaks by trying to mold outcomes. But my sight dampers its persistence causing it's unclear and  excitable notions to be uncertain in it's conclusions.

I notice that I can breathe easy again, letting myself exhale more frequently. My jaws release and are no longer tense. The rapidly moving thoughts in my mind are diluted a trillion fold. This is what it means to live easy.

Understanding that pain is relative - as is happiness. The line between love and hate is non-existent - it's the same emotion. What I see with my own two eyes is always an illusion. The voices I hear with my own two ears are heard, but incoherent.

Now life is truly exciting. I ride experience like a wave always surprised when I land, forever finding treasure. Whether land is barren or lush - I'm just happy to experience life.

Another Angel to Watch Over Us

My friend's mom died this morning. 3rd and 4th degree burns to over 70% of her body. I remember that dark morning in Saudi Arabia when I came home with my baby brother Loik, and the doctors told me that my mother (whom was 8 months pregnant) had been in a horrible fire and was going to die. My father was in the hospital with 2nd degree burns and came home hysterical and afraid as he was the one to put the fire out. I was 12 years old and my life changed. Although I became very strong, I was extremely vulnerable. I grew up over night. Had to take care of my family, handle my regular responsibilities of going too school, deal with preteen hormonal issues, and I started dealing with alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. I felt guilty for what had happened to my mother. Without getting into details, I believe that if I was at home, it would have never happened.

When Vicky told me her Mom had just got burned several weeks ago, my initial reaction was to run away from all the feelings that it conjured up inside of me. I didn't realize how many emotions and feelings I literally stuffed deeply away. I was just a child and didn't really know how to deal with it. I remember turning born again Christian, and secretly chain smoking, and staying drunk and high. I got lucky, despite all odds, momma made it through. Although altered permanently from scars, I still had my momma. I remember resenting her for needing me so much and am still struggling with the guilt of not being happily helpful.

I spoke to Vicky almost every day when her mom first got burned. She sounded so strong and I was shocked to find that I had some jewels to share with her. 1) Don't listen to anything the doctor says. Don't give up. Just pray and talk and sing to your momma because even though she can't see, she can hear you - even if it's subconscious. She just called me and thanked me and my mom for being their and I sit here typing this letter with tears streaming down my face.  In a calm and steady voice, she told me her mom passed and even expressed her hopes for her coming around in 3 months, but she's gone. She wasn't even crying. God my sister is a pillar of strength.

My mom says that it was the best thing for her to die, despite what her family wanted. She says that from what she knows and has experienced, that her age and the severity of her burns were too much to bare. I'm just left humbled and grateful. As much as I get angry and annoyed with my mother, she's here with me loving me and guiding me. The story of my family has been TOUGH - to say the least, but we have a bond and strength that only comes when people go through extremely painful experiences.

I'm ashamed to talk to Vicky because I may have given her false hopes. I don't know what to say to someone who's just lost their mother and was looking at my situation as a reference point for perseverance. I must straighten up and just be there for her anyway I can. I wish I was as strong and confident as she is and am thankful that I have been forced to relive the darkest parts of my life.

RIP Mama Jeudy.

Sonia