Always Evolving

You know - I never knew what full support was until now. It's true. Naturally, I've had boyfriends that have had my back - but none that would break their back to make sure WE'RE comfortable. I have parents that love and support me, but they also shove things in my face and make sure they remind me of all my past inadequacies (believe me, there have been a lot in my 30 nothing years). Sure, I have a few friends that have done incredibly kind and nice things for me, but the truth is, most of them know me from a distance. For the first time EVER, I'm hearing and seeing things that are making me realize my own selfishness and feel this undeniable support from my new man. It's a new kind of feeling I've never had before.

One of my major faults has always been that I was afraid to speak my mind, especially to people I loved and didn't want to judge me. As I've grown up, I realize that it has stemmed from my mother always demanding a lot from me, and never really being satisfied. (Just like Prince's momma). It became shameful and out of control and would make me a liar, would make me run away, and would make me fear anything I knew would make me uncomfortable. Let's say I broke a plate accidentally, I'd rather just say I don't know anything about the plate then face the embarrassment and condescension of being scolded for it.

The truth is, my first real relationship had to deal a lot with it. I lied to him constantly, even when I did no wrong. I was afraid of what he might think - and worse, what he would say to me. I regret not being more of a woman, and cringe at how he probably thinks I have no back bone at all. One thing I respected from him, is he always said and did what he felt - whether it was selfish or dead ass wrong. But you KNEW it was REAL. The problem is, I felt judged harshly by him. I was with him through my growing years 17 - 27. He taught me a lot - just never made me feel safe. Knowing my mother, I knew he understood, but it was still out of control. Knowing is half the battle, the other is having the courage to do what it takes to change bad habits. Every moment is your judge and can catapult you to personal achievement. I was always terrified of repercussions - yet God constantly put me in situations that would force me to change my ways, and I'd opt the "easy" way out - which was NEVER truly easy! (Hence my long rap sheet for traffic violations).

My second boyfriend...I was able to tell him the truth about myself and let him into my dark places - but sadly, he was more of a coward then I was. He didn't know how to face himself and always blamed others. I feel that in that relationship, I ended up teaching him a lot. Unlike my 10 year relationship, this one only lasted 2 years, but I learned quickly that this type of man would not be beneficial for my growth and security.

The new guy - it's only been a few months - but he's a MAN. I'd say YES immediately if he asked me. He supports me me when my shit stinks, but forces me to take action and do the right thing. He faces all circumstances, whether they frighten him, hurt him, or exhaust him. He looks everything in the eyes and doesn't back down till he accomplishes his goal. Yet, he is humble enough to know when he can't win and can give things to GOD after he tries. For the first time, I'm not ashamed to be myself - even with my faults. I want him to know the truth of my fuck ups, because I don't have to bare them alone. He will go through them with me - yet not in a reprimanding manner; in a problem solving manner.

Today some cold realities came to light (again) and I have to speak with the person that started this buffoonery (momma). And he said something to me that I didn't even consider. Let's cook her dinner, and we'll talk to her together. Simple. Obvious even. But it's funny how all of my other X's would have just let me fend for myself and let me figure it out on my own. Oh - they'd have opinions and a rule book of what I should say and how I should act - but they would have never considered to sit with me and just let it out TOGETHER. I would have never considered to even ask - I'd just do it my way - in a cowardly way. I don't feel ashamed to say that although I pray for strength and know that God guides me all the time, I also know God put this man in my life to straighten me out so I can be a better vessel for His work.

I finally have the support that you can almost only get from your other half. I feel progressive and unstoppable. I am not afraid of failure AT ALL. If I fail, but spoke and acted in truth, I passed God's test. It's soooo spiritual to me. I adore my man and thank God for him. I can now pick up pieces I've tried to sweep under the carpet. I'm not afraid of the outcome. I may have people that NEVER want to mess with me again (I probably deserve it) - but it's better to face it then hide from it.  In the long run - I'll respect myself more for it.

To always evolving.