Step into my Sypher

The only thing that remains constant is change. This is one of the oldest adages that we seem to forget when we make decisions. I don't know how often I hear people say they are cleaning house and want to cut people off. It's funny because I always thought I was a forgiving person and didn't hold grudges, but this year, I reacquainted with several people that I had written off for life. Some of them I purposely reached out to in an attempt to heal and face old wounds. Others came to me and I know it's cause I called them subconsciously, deeply wanting closure. Honestly it doesn't even matter who was right or wrong - time heals old wounds and people are allowed to change. I only have two more people I need to gain closure from - one of them a former best friend who cheated on me with my boyfriend, the other someone that threatened the life of my family. Some say this is a can of worms that should stay closed. I believe that your worst enemies should be treated like your best friends - that is something a very wise man told me and although I haven't mastered it yet - it has taught me great patience and wisdom.

And just when I thought I would never cut any body off again - I have cut somebody off today. Ironic, huh? I don't know for how long, but it is an unhealthy relationship. I'm just happy that I'm doing it at a time when I'm not angry, I just see the bigger picture and need to protect my business. I've been working with this person for a year, but it has been stagnant. I could point the finger, but I truly believe we create our own realities so it's my fault. I've known this for quite some time and have been trying to rectify it. In a way, it was a test to see if I could actually change somebody and their circumstances through love and understanding, but now, I just realize that if I keep doing the same things with no change - I'm just insane. I'm wondering what your thoughts are of this? Here's a poem I wrote this morning about this:

I tried everything to stick by you

but my colors couldn't break your blue

My attempts to fix things you screwed

So now my compassion for you I outgrew.

A full year of dealing with you has passed

Can't help but feel guilt for failing your ass

Am I wrong for running away

Even though you never protected me?

Money I lent, you never gave back

All your words always felt like attacks

I knew you were weak so I just let it slide

But to my unwavering love, you were desensitized

At the end of the day, I must call a spade a spade

You used my honey and that cuts like a blade

I chose to stick by you so I charge it to the game

I'm moving on knowing there's no one to blame

You've proved to be exactly what you've always been

My hopes for you were not your dreams

I'm trying to come to terms for bailing out

I ride or die for people, that's what I'm about

But the truth is, you've never been a friend

All you brought to me was problem after problem

Your talents are like the songs of the sirens

They hoodwink people into temporary blindness

But as soon as the melody dissipates

you realize that it was just bait

I'm tired of taking bites that don't satisfy

if I keep on this path, then I'm a walking lie

It's time for me to own up to the truth

the fact is - I don't really like you

I tried and tried and tried again

But this time I'm out homie - disappearing like David Blain

As for my goals...

1) Practicing the laws of The Diamond Cutter

I was generous with my time and resources half of my day (didn't work on a database for a friend that I promised to complete or help my ma with her dresser although I could have spent less time on FaceBook)

Didn't engage in talk that splits people up (but mentally was PISSED off with several things - A person that made a very insensitive comment on FB and I judged someone for supporting something I didn't agree with).

2) Exercising, eating well, and meditating daily - COMPLETELY stop smoking and drinking

149lbs Didn't smoke or drink. Didn't exercise (Day 2 of P90X! I will try and do it before I go to bed. It's funny how your mind can play tricks on you. My friend Ookie said that Plyometrics was going to kick my ass, so I've been scared since day 1 kicked my ass and he said it was easy. Gotta do it anyway! Eating well? Let's just say I followed one third of my diet but cheated with some "Sticky Boobas" (corn tortillas with melted cheese on top) CHEESE MESSES ME UP EVERY TIME. And as for the meditating - I'll get that in tonight after I work out too.

3) To stop saying NO to opportunities due to FEAR and/or LAZINESS.

I did something I've been afraid of for quite some time, and that was making an important decision on the direction of my career with my manager.

I better get to working out before I say it's too late! My bed time is 3am! Gotta get up early to take my baby brother to Home Depot on Sydney Marcus to make a butterfly house. 3pm meet me at Freedom Parkway for a huge PILLOW FIGHT!

Special Shout

To my dear friend and wonderfully talented photographer for taking my Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, Hear No Evil photo (blog header picture) and just being a great all around person:

Jarek James of Jamagination. Make sure to check out his work and join his social networks: myspace.com/jamagination, facebook.com/jarekjames, twitter.com/jamagine, youtube.com/jamagination, modelmayhem.com/jarekjames